My year end review: 2012: The Clean Up

While I can't say 2012, in its entirety, was particularly better or worse than the last few years, "the drama" has slowed down enough for me to catch up and clean up! The years since the beginning of the recession have seemed to drag on for me at a painful pace, and at times, simply spiral out of control. However, for the first time in a long time, much of 2012 felt like the figurative "light at the end of the tunnel" was only about 5 feet in front of me. However, no matter how fast I ran towards it, it kept moving forward too. Until recently.

Towards the end of this year, I had a string of days/weeks in a row where I actually found myself a bit uncomfortable with the reality that my mind was quiet, my family settled, by business operating smoothly, my marriage solid, my creativity flowing...and to be honest, it freaked me out a little bit. I felt like I needed to be very still, so as not to interrupt this awkward contentment or by some strange flick of the wrist initiate the other shoe dropping. Today, New Year's Eve 2012, I'm still sitting still. I'm breathing a few well-deserved breaths and taking stock of the last year and the whirlwind of events it has blown through my life.

In January of this year, my mother took a turn for the worse. She has had MS for most of my life, but several years ago, we realized that her cognitive condition was not being caused by that. In 2008, she was diagnosed with FTD (Frontal Temporal Dementia). Just after celebrating her 60th birthday (on January 8th - aka "Elvis' birthday), her symptoms became more pronounced. My sisters and I knew the time had come to move her into a facility that could care for her better than we could. Some of you may know the pain, the guilt, the sadness that comes along with something like this, and as much as I tried to prepare myself for how that would feel, I simply had no idea. Moving her into a place where she adamantly did not want to go, moving her things out of the house that we built for her, seeing her entire life stuffed into a small storage unit, as if there were some chance she would come back to get it all....these are events and realizations that change a person. I think that in my life thus far, this was the hardest week I had ever lived. Thankfully, I knew how lucky I was that I could go through these motions and still get to hug her, to smell her perfume and look her in the eye to say I love you.

Following this period of time, I started to see how out of whack my priorities were. There's nothing quite like boxing up an entire lifetime of memories to make you see how empty yours might look in comparison. I realized that I had been spending nearly every ounce of energy, every second of my day trying to maintain a business that, for all intents and purposes, just never should have been open to begin with. In previous blogs, I've written about the struggles we had with the city of Los Angeles while opening my restaurant, Henry's Hat. While the restaurant was a success and people loved it, our legal and zoning battles shoved us in a financial hole that was basically impossible to climb out of. After numerous attempts, countless fights, and killing any ego I had left, my husband and I decided that it just wasn't worth it anymore. Someone else could literally walk in, debt free, and make a great living from the business we created. A very hard pill to swallow.  But we did it. We sold it. While it was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made, I felt like (for the first time in a long time) I made the right decision. Almost immediately, life got a little easier. I got one step closer to that 'light at the edge of the tunnel,' and to top it off, we ultimately saved the 45 jobs we created by selling and not just closing our doors. It hurt, but I finally found some peace in the process.

After the purge of some of these majorly stressful stimuli in my life, I had a quick but fun period of blessings come through my summer....I got a new manager who seemed to take a real interest in my acting career, I had two, long-time regular Henry's Hat patrons hook me up with 10th row-center tickets to "Book of Mormon" on Broadway (these amazing people also got me an autographed poster from Matt Stone and Trey Parker - incredible), I celebrated my 5th wedding anniversary to the man of my dreams, and even garnered my very first Emmy Nomination as a producer on the web hit, "The Bay!" This was the first moment of 2012 where I stopped, took a quizzical look around and skeptically thought, "could the worst be over?"..."Are we approaching a new normal?" I almost felt guilty or that I was somehow jinxing myself for having such an inconceivable thought. I also realized that most of these things (minus the Book of Mormon awesomeness), had not just fallen in my lap. As my mother would have said, these were results of "making it happen." I really only noticed this in retrospect, but I realized then and there that perhaps this was the way to actually REACH the light at the tunnel's end.

With a combination of that "make it happen" spirit, my incredibly supportive and motivating circle of friends and family, my genius IQ husband - AJ, and a few key investors, we made a few more things happen. Earlier this year, we raised a large chunk of change to start a new business, called ChefSheet.com. After 4 years of owning/operating 3 restaurants in a depressed financial market, we saw the need for a way to control our costs (ie: when you can't increase revenue, you have to cut costs). So, ChefSheet is the very first, completely FREE, cloud-based inventory management smartphone/tablet app on the market. In addition to it's main function of inventory management, we also patented the ability to share and compare prices across the market anonymously. The potential of this business is huge and the reward to other mom and pop shops like ours could mean the difference between staying open and closing it's doors. For us, it feels like a win win for everyone, and for me, it's a full circle moment with Henry's Hat.

Another blessing arrived in the form of....wait for it....drumroll....The Virgin Mary! Yes, the Virgin Mary! In October, I received a message from an incredibly talented director with whom I worked nearly a decade ago. She asked me to come to NYC and head up a cast of ladies in a dynamic and somewhat controversial play called, "Mary of New York." The play is not about the Biblical story surrounding the Virgin Mary, but simply about a mother who lost her son...about a woman who gave up her youth to raise this son.....about a woman who took on the most monumental responsibility without a question or a complaint. Honestly, the experience reminded me of how strong my mother used to be, about how strong I could be, about how afraid of having children I am, and that I DEFINITELY ALWAYS want to be an actress! It was so fulfilling, so educational, so inspiring. (**To the Carny Girls of NYC, I am in awe of you and so grateful you gave me such an amazing and creative experience. I am certain I am a better actress because of you!**)

Finally, my last "make it happen" moment of 2012 was recently completed. I set out to write a script about a vision I had last year when someone asked me (shortly after selling HH) what I wanted to do now with "all my time." My answer was something like, "well I was happiest when I was dancing, but I'm 30-something (cough cough) now and I probably can't do a lot of that stuff anymore." From there, my script began to take form. My secret (well, not anymore) wish is that someday, you will see it on TV. Until then, I have written a script. It is mine. It will always be mine. It was hard. I was scared, but I did it. And it feels soooo good! 

Here are a list of some things I am grateful for at this year's end....
-My husband
-My friends (especially the strong ones)
-My siblings
-My parents (all 3 of them)
-Henry
-Good health
-My home (particularly my bed)
-New York City
-Tinkle lights
-Spinning/Frankie/Karen
-My computer
-My agent and manager
-Our investors/ChefSheet
-President Obama
-Opportunity
-Mario Batali
-Creativity
-The Dalai Lama
-The Carny Girls
-Music
-Our continued prosperity

I've decided for 2013 not to make any resolutions. I'm simply looking forward to a year of peace, stability, rebuilding, re-connecting and being grateful for the people in my life who love me. Gratitude and humility will be my guiding compass for the year to come! Happy New Year!

"People say things like 'treat yourself, you deserve that vacation' or 'have that sticky toffee pudding, you only live once' and other things that suggest that being good to yourself is about allowing yourself immediate pleasure. There are difficult things that we can do for ourselves in the present that will provide peace and security over the long term. Perhaps these are the times we are really treating ourselves." ~ A.J. Gilbert

The Hunt - Part 2

Welcome back! Thank you for checking back in and forgive me for taking so long on this one. 

In my last blog, “The Hunt-Part 1,” I discussed my perspective on interviewing candidates for the restaurant business.  This got me thinking about my many decades on “the other side” of the interview.  I’m an actress.  I’ve been auditioning for roles in everything from commercials, to theatre, to TV and film, to live industrials, to student films, to web series…you name it….I’ve auditioned for it.  I started acting when I was a little girl.  In those days, all anyone had to do was start a sentence with, “Martha, we want you to pretend to be…..” and it was ON!  No fear, no reservations, so sense of rejection or imminent disappointment if I wasn’t doing it “right.”  It was just a fun game to play….and at that time in my life it always seemed to end well.  I often got the gig which meant I got to wear fun costumes, put on make-up and get a ton of positive attention and affirmation from strangers, friends and family alike.  It felt awesome, and I wanted more……

As I got a little older, I began to experience some rejection in the audition room.  Landing the part wasn’t as easy as it was before….the adoration of my peers and teachers was more difficult to gauge…..I started experiencing doubt in myself!  I remember auditioning for a huge show for the Disney channel when I was about 10 years old.   I knew that this was a BIG audition, as it was my third time to be called in for it!  For the first time, I began to understand what pressure meant.  My mom was nervous which, quite frankly, scared me.  As I sat in front of the green screen with a camera in my face, lights heating my hair, I distinctly remember feeling like I better not blow it.  The script was dialogue intensive, but without fail, I got through it all in the first try.  I confidently looked over to see my acting coach rolling her eyes in disbelief.  I didn’t understand why she looked so frustrated….I didn’t drop any lines, the director was smiling……and then she signaled to me from behind the camera…..I guess I rubbed my nose during the monologue.  Later she would tell me that by scratching my nose, it seemed like I wasn’t “engaged.”  My response was a simple yet quizzical, “ok.”  I would not come to understand what that meant until years later.  Oh, and unsurprised after witnessing my coaches clear disappointment, I learned I didn’t get the part.  That one left a mark, so to speak.

“Connecting,” “Engaging,” “Relating,” “Listening,” “Reacting,” are all words that are used by acting teachers everywhere when trying to advise young thespians on their craft.  Throughout years of scene study, audition technique, and cold-reading classes, I’ve learned the importance of “being in the moment.”  I’ve always been taught that in order to adequately portray a writers’ true will, one must be willing to actually BELIEVE his/her own circumstances when acting them out.  For me to do this properly, at least three things need to happen. 1) I need to “assign” certain real life experiences to the fabricated ones so that they have personal meaning to me 2) The other people in the scene need to BELIEVE too, 3) My environment needs to be one of trust and creative freedom.  The second and third ones are where I get screwed up….audition rooms are almost never comfortable, and with the clock ticking and people lining up in the waiting room, there is almost never time to express more than 90 seconds of creative freedom.  With that being said, being prepared is key.  The only things you can do to prepare are to “get off book” (ie; know your lines…and everyone else’s for that matter), and “know your beats” (understand the arc of the scene and when/where the direction changes).  Aside from those basic scene study lessons, there is not much else you can do to prepare.  There are probably close to 300 casting offices in LA alone.  Most actors are lucky to get into even half of those.  So, it’s safe to say that, fairly often, an actor is entering an unfamiliar space with unfamiliar people in order to deliver a relatively unfamiliar scene with a “reader” who is usually someone who will read the other lines with as much enthusiasm as Ben Stein in “Ferris Buellers Day Off.”  This can be both unnerving and distracting.  In a very short allotment of time, you need to get comfortable, focused and confident while delivering a freshly learned scene to a complete stranger better than you’ve ever performed it in your life…..mind you, all while “sucking in,”  “keeping your shoulders back,” and “angling to your good side.”  This is something I have yet to master!  My awareness of this fact is probably why I have had so much trouble with this process.

In recent years, booking an acting job is quite like pooping diamonds…..meaning, it’s a sheer freaking miracle!  With the transition beginning between television and internet, a sustained decrease in box office and DVD sales, and all of the other economic horror of the last 4 years, studio budgets have been slashed and movie production, overall, is down considerably.  Because of this, movie actors are being offered TV Series roles, TV stars are being offered “guest star” roles, and all of us who were doing “guest star” roles are now doing “diddly squat.”  Shit rolls downhill, right?!  So, when I get the chance to audition for a “series regular” role (ie; a contract job), I do more than prepare…..I panic!  I also tend to over-think it.  For example, last year I was called to do an audition for a contract job on a soap opera.  I was so excited!! First and foremost, in this particular field, I felt some confidence knowing that I had worked well in this medium before.  I felt this gave me leverage.  In addition, I was skipping all the pre-reads, and going directly to read for the producers (the EP, the casting director and the Network VP of daytime programming would all be in attendance).  In this particular scene, there was a passionate kiss at the beginning of the scene, however, based on my past experiences of auditioning (with a reader), I was completely caught off guard when I walked into the EP’s office and saw one of the show’s veteran cast members waiting there to read with me.   My immediate thought was, “Oh shit! Do I make out with him or not?”  It felt inappropriate at the time, given that this was not a screen test.  I’ve heard countless horror stories of actors trying to make out with casting directors during auditions, so I wasn’t sure what to make of this kind of situation…..I was a seasoned soap actress (ie; I’ve made out with plenty of hot guys), he was a soap icon, and here we were sitting in front of one of the most famous show runners in the history of daytime television.  What do I do???  Well, I ultimately skipped the kiss which, turns out, he went in straight for.  The result; a very awkward mouth-dodge that most definitely was the WRONG CHOICE…..Ugh! Idiot!  I just kept saying to myself throughout the remainder of the scene “Idiot Idiot Idiot!!! Why didn’t you kiss him?!?!?”  Needless to say, the rest of the scene was far from “engaged”!      I, of course, was met with some choice words by my manager on my way home.  “They said you didn’t kiss him, and it was weird!?!” he said dumbfounded…..I just shook my head in disgrace and called it a day.  Lesson 1: “Be in the moment!” – Do the kiss!

Steve Jobs was once quoted as saying that “There are two types of people in the world; Creators and Destroyers.”  Now, as an actor, I can confirm that we “Creators” need constant affirmation.  Therefore, getting feedback is important.  When you open yourself up to feedback though, you have to be open to it being negative while still being able to learn and grow from it.  This is where the “Destroyers” would enter while self-righteously declaring, “You’ve got to have thick skin if you want to be an actor!”   Yes, that sounds so easy….but it just isn’t.  When you decide to try to become an actor, you have to find a way to reconcile that YOU are the product you’re selling.  This means that, when people don’t like the product (ie; you) or worse, they think it (ie; you) are deficient in some way, you have to be able to take that feedback and use it to “improve the product”(ie; yourself).  This is the fine line where negative feedback can feel very personal.  For example, I once went in for this TV guest role of a woman with a secret addiction to pain killers.  Her secret was discovered by her brother whom she hated.  The actual audition scene was where she fell apart….exposing her shame and guilt and disgust with herself.  Needless to say, to me, the thought of doing this part was probably equivalent to the characters’ need for her drugs.  I WANTED this part!  I put my whole heart and soul into this scene….I hired a coach to help me work it out, and I knew without question that this particular role fell squarely into my “sweet spot.”  When I entered the audition room, both casting directors complimented my prior work at my former job, so I knew they knew me already.  At that point, I felt very comfortable.  In my opinion, I was about to audition under the very best of circumstances.  When I finished my audition, my immediate thought was, “I nailed it!”  I was elated! The look on their faces seemed to confirm that they were “stunned” by my performance.  Well, not so fast!  Less than an hour later, my manager called me with the news!  They thought I was “over the top” and “they didn’t know what happened to me since they had seen me last.”  Now, I don’t know whether it was right or wrong of my manager to tell me this in so much detail.  However, what I do know is that this particular feedback scarred me both personally and professionally.  It made me realize that, perhaps, I was not as self-aware as I had always thought I was.  Maybe, I had gotten stale.  Maybe, they didn’t like the way I looked now?  It destabilized me…..literally knocked me off my feet.  Lesson 2: “Be in the moment” – Don’t overthink it!

Now, the next thing that many actors will come up against in Hollywood is “the callback.”  Being called back to audition a second or third time can mean only one thing.  As Sally Field so proudly declared while accepting her Oscar for “Places in the Heart”, “You like me! You really like me!”  The downside to being called back is that you inevitably get your hopes up.  This has never been truer for me than it was for the 6 consecutive weeks I was called back for a network drama.  As you see on TV, there is a new episode produced for these dramas every week for nearly half the year.  I had been bugging my manager to death trying to get me in to read for this particular one, and finally they called!  I remember specifically it was for the role of the victim who was being held captive in a closet by a deranged killer, and their only form of communication was to be made through an intercom.  There were two audition scenes, and they were intense.  The scenes called for the victim to try several different manipulative tactics to persuade her killer to set her free.  Now, this particular audition room was big, and as opposed to the usual 2 or 3 people, there were no less than 15 people in the room.  Lucky for me, I prefer a larger audience…..it keeps it less intimate, therefore, it’s less intimidating for me.  I felt good about this one! Flash forward to my manager calling to say they loved it, but they decided to go with someone else.  Obviously, I was terribly disappointed, but by this point in the game, it wasn’t a shock, and I was just thankful they didn’t hate me.  As luck would have it, they called me again the next week.  New role, new episode.  This time, I would have to play an upscale call-girl who was ultimately revealed to be the deranged killer of that episode.  Again, I had a good audition. Again, I didn’t get the part.  This cycle went on for four more weeks.  The last of the 6 weeks, I must admit, I was a bit exhausted by the process.  It was clear that they liked my work which is the very best thing an actress can hope for (and I was incredibly grateful for that reality)!  However, it was also clear that they didn’t ever ultimately choose to cast me.  This was the first and ONLY time that I was ever disappointed by getting called back so much!  It almost sounds ridiculous as I type this, but the feeling was very real.  While, perhaps, not rational, it felt like a tease!  In week 6, the final role was for a foster mother to a 10 year old blind boy.  I told my manager that I felt silly going in for a role that was clearly going to be cast with a more mature actress.  At the arguably still ripe age of 31, I didn’t feel like this was a role I could realistically play for a network audience.  She actually agreed with me, but she encouraged me to go anyway.  I knew it was the professional thing to do, but I had been so disappointed in my lack of ability to seal the deal, that I was ultimately losing my confidence.  I decided I would go anyway.  I arrived to a waiting room full of people that were at least a decade my senior.  I felt at that moment that my instincts had been right.  I actually considered leaving so as not to embarrass myself with an audition that was clearly out of my range.  However, I decided to stay and give it my best shot!  Low and behold, THIS would be the one I would book.  I seriously could NOT believe it!  It just seemed so unreal!  I was so relieved to have finally been chosen.  I had one of the very best weeks of my life that week shooting with such an amazing cast and crew!  It was a struggle to land it, but it was so worth the wait!  Lesson 3: “Be in the moment” – and always show up! 

Much like getting called back over and over, you never know if the work you’re doing today will lead to other work years from now.  In the entertainment industry, one of our “secret handshakes” is the “5 block rule.”  This rule applies to the idea that when you are headed to an audition, you should make a special effort to be very pleasant to anyone within a 5 block radius of the audition room.  The idea is that you never know who you may meet, or share an elevator with, or who may actually be the person deciding whether or not to hire you.  Therefore, it’s a good idea to be “your best self” within earshot of your audition destination.  The same idea applies to every single second you are on tape or film.  You never know if a scene you may be shooting today will be the ultimate “audition” for something in the future.  For example, I was recently temporarily cast on a soap opera to fill in for an actress who was extremely ill.  Now, the unusual thing about this particular “casting” is that I never auditioned for this role.  I can humbly say that while this may be the norm for many, more experienced actresses, this type of thing had never happened to me.  I had never been offered a role without an audition.  While I was at work at my restaurant, my agent called me to ask if I would consider dying my hair for a role that may only last a few days.  Of course, I said yes….to me, that’s a no-brainer.  When I asked what it was for, she became vague….not wanting to get my hopes up.  I could tell something was in the works, but I wasn’t sure what.  Then she asked if I had any pictures of myself with dark hair.  Knowing I didn’t, I told her I wasn’t sure.  I needed to check and get back to her.  I quickly called my sister-in-law who I knew was a pro at digital retouching and photo-shop and asked her if she could make my current headshot have brown hair.  In a flash, it was done, and I sent it to my agent.  It was then, that she told me what it was for and that the people in charge over there had decided to just offer me the job.  I was elated!  I seriously couldn’t believe it.  I couldn’t believe that they could feel confident in me simply from an altered picture.  It was only later that I learned that they had all sat down together to watch a scene on my reel (shot 3 years prior) where my character says goodbye to her dying father at his bedside.  I vividly remember shooting that particular scene, but it never occurred to me that at that moment I would actually be auditioning for a role that I would play 3 years later.  This was one of the highlights of my entire career! I was, and still am, a bit overwhelmed by that particular casting process!  Lesson 4: “Be in the moment” – It may count later.

Lastly, as those of us in the industry know all too well, looks DO matter!  This truth isn’t always as sinister as one may initially perceive it to be.  While I’ve spoken of my “weight issues” and “age issues” and how they’ve affected my employment in the past, it is also true that sometimes booking a job can rest on something as trivial as height, eye color, or hair color.  For example, when a casting director has already cast the lead female role, and I go in to read for her “sidekick”, it would stand to reason that I should not look the same as the person playing the lead.  If she’s blonde, I should probably not be blonde.  The same is true if the male lead has been cast, and he happens to be 5’ tall…..the woman they cast opposite him will likely not be 6’ tall and tower over him….and so on and so forth.  I recently had an experience with this.  After I finished that job where I had to dye my hair brown (it had, by then, faded to red), I was called to read for the lead role on a TV movie.  I felt that the audition had gone well, but I was second guessing myself as most of the girls that were waiting to audition were blonde (as is often the case with lead female “heroine” roles).  I was secretly pining for the blonde hair I had forfeited only weeks prior.  I knew that this would likely keep me from being considered for this part.  I was shocked to learn, later that day, that they wanted me to come back….but for a different, more “character-y” role.  This was a thrilling surprise, and I was so grateful for this consideration!  It is often times that the “character actors” get the best material anyway….the one liners, the funny reactions.  I rarely get called in for those types of roles, and since the movie was a comedy, this part had a ton of funny material.  I went back in, rolled up my sleeves, and threw down as much “hyper giddiness” as the role had called for.  We all had a good laugh!  In fact, I was blushing all the way out to my car!  This particular audition tickled the little kid in me.  I knew that no matter what the outcome, I had had a great day that day!  Obviously, I was beyond excited when I learned that I got the job…..and I was informed it was in part because I was a red head.  Since this was kind of an ensemble cast, my red hair weighed in on the decision so as to give all the different actresses a clearer identity.  We all had a distinct look, and with this being my first comedic role, I really felt like I was playing a completely different character than I had become accustomed.  So, Lesson 5: “Be in the moment” – Just go with it!

So, in my many years of working to master the craft of acting, I have also had to grow to respect the audition process.  Make no mistake; these are two completely different skillsets that are only related in the fact that an actor must nail the audition to be considered for the job.  In my opinion, they are unrelated in every other way.  I’ve met hundreds of actors, like myself, that are hard-working, empathetic, relatable, and direct-able, but they simply have a hard time jumping that audition hurdle.  If you suck in the audition room, you may not necessarily suck at the role.  If you nail the audition, you may not necessarily work well on set or in a group once you have the part.  While I believe it’s an imperfect process, it IS the process.  So, I must continue to work at it, suck it up when it goes south, be grateful when all the elements come together to make it work, and try, try, and try again.  As Michael Jordan so eloquently said, “I can accept failure, everyone fails at something. But I can't accept not trying.”   

So, a final lesson from “his airness,” “Be in the moment” – Just Do It!

xo Martha
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